Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or the press, or the right of the people to peaceably assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Only in America... drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of The store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. people order Double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Friday, January 11, 2008

History of the Slayers.

You know, there are a lot of wackos out there. You know the type, the nutjobs who live in trailers and wear tinfoil hats, who claim that the government is brainwashing us through our cellphones and faked the moon landings and that they're hiding the UFO that crashed in Roswell inside Area 51.

Well, guess what. Those "nutjobs" are right.

Sort of, anyway.

It wasn't a UFO landing that drove the military into high gear, it was a group of vampires. Five of them appeared in the desert, out of nowhere. The military was woefully unprepared. Fifty-four soldiers were killed in less than three hours. The only thing that saved the rest of the company was the early dawn. Those "little green men" the nurses reported seeingwere actually the shriveled corpses of vampires that had been exposed to the sun's ultraviolet light.

Three weeks later, on July 22, 1947, the United States Government founded the Paranormal Research, Investigation, and Management Agency. It was tasked with monitering and interviening in any reported signs of paranormal activities.
In other words, when monsters showed up, it was the agency's job to take them out.

Of course, the agents didn't particuarly appreciate their agency's name forming the acronym PRIMA, as it made for some not-very-flattering nicknames, so the agents took to calling themselves "the slayers."

And so, for the past sixty years, The Slayers have been secretly protecting the unsuspecting United States from the likes of vampires, werewolves, zombies and other deranged paranormal monsters.

Of course, none of this much mattered to me at that point. I had more pressing concerns on my mind, like the werewolf that thought I'd make a good snack. I'd asked him to come in quietly, but he decided to stay belligerent. A trio of silver hollowpoints changed his attitude rather quickly. Unfortunately for me, that just made his girlfriend angry. And everyone knows that werewolves are like Hulk; you really won't like them when they're angry. She tried to take a chunk out of my face; fortunately, she was a bit intoxicated on garlic fumes, so she missed. Still took the rest of my clip to bring her down, though.

Dang, I love this job.

My name is Eli Thatcher, and I'm a Slayer.

Monday, January 7, 2008

At the Dentist

I just got back from the dentist's office. Had to get two little cavities filled. Nothing I really could have done to prevent them; the doc says that they were way in the back (which was true) and that they were in spots that are darn near impossible to reach with a brush or floss anyway.

I could describe what I'm feeling right now, but I think that Bill Cosby can do it far better than I possibly could, particularly about what happens when they stick you with novocaine:

So I have to read King Lear for Western Civ, and I brought the book with me to the dentist's office. We wind up having a brief discussion about Shakespeare before he goes to stick me. Right when he goes to stick me with the mother of all needles, he says "Be nor afraid, I mean you no harm." To which I reply; "Yeah, right. It'd be a bit more convincing if you weren't holding that giant harpoon. Now I just have to wait for that mother of all needles to wear off, and I'll be able to feel my face again

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Shakespeare and.... Queen?

Got a new profile pic. It's a black 1969 Mustang Fastback. Beautiful car. Too bad, they don't make 'em like that anymore.

Finished reading Shakespeare's Richard III for my Western Civilization class. A great piece of classical literature. However, in my opinion, the title needs a little work. One could actually substitute in the title of one of Queen's most famous songs. Another One Bites the Dust would work as this play's title perfectly.

Speaking of Queen, here's an interesting music video I found on YouTube:

That was random, I know.

This video is cool, too:

I know, I am very obsessed with Star Wars. And Hamlet. Incidentally, the very last clip from that trailer is from the soliloquy I had to memorize for Mr. Drake. On another topic, does anyone know the title of the song from that video.

Hmm... Can't really think of anything else to write right now. So, enjoy this lolcats picture:

Okay, never mind. Blogger isn't cooperating, so I can't upload the picture. You can check it out here.

Anyway, I leave you (for now) with another trailer by the guys that did the Star Wars/Hamlet thing.:

Friday, January 4, 2008

New Post for a New Year

Again, a very happy new year to everyone. I hope everyone had a very pleasant holiday season.

Hopefully, this post will actually have a bit of substance to it. However, I apologize in advance if I start rambling.

I made a few minor revisions to my profile. I really wanted to get a different picture, but I couldn't find one I liked better than my '70 Eliminator. Man, it's really hard to find decent pictures of Atoll Blue 1970 Pontiac GTO Judges!

I have had this odd obsession with Hamlet as of late. It might have had something to do with the fact that I've been reading Shakespeare over break for the last couple of weeks, but none of those plays are Hamlet. I had to read Hamlet for school a few years back, even going so far as to have to memorize a soliloquy as part of an assignment for Mr. Drake.

Now might I do it pat, now he is praying;
And now I'll do't. And so he goes to heaven;
And so am I revenged. That would be scann'd:
A villain kills my father; and for that,
I, his sole son, do this same villain send
To heaven.
O, this is hire and salary, not revenge.
He took my father grossly, full of bread;
With all his crimes broad blown, as flush as May;
And how his audit stands who knows save heaven?
But in our circumstance and course of thought,
'Tis heavy with him: and am I then revenged,
To take him in the purging of his soul,
When he is fit and season'd for his passage?
Up, sword; and know thou a more horrid hent:
When he is drunk asleep, or in his rage,
Or in the incestuous pleasure of his bed;
At gaming, swearing, or about some act
That has no relish of salvation in't;
Then trip him, that his heels may kick at heaven,
And that his soul may be as damn'd and black
As hell, whereto it goes. My mother stays:
This physic but prolongs thy sickly days.
That's from Act III Scene 3.

Anyone remember Tupperware parties? Well, there's a new version of them out there: Tazer parties. I'm not making this up, and no, I'm not still drinking eggnog (or anything else for that matter). Seems kinda bizarre to me, but if it'll educate people about Tazers and help women to defend themsevles, then whaever; I've got no problem with it.

Here's another headline that grabbed my attention: Boy Defends Mother with Lightsaber. Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently, some kid in England used his toy lightsaber to defend his mom when a guy started beating her up. I guess the Force really was with this kid. (Sorry. Couldn't resist)

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

HAPPY 2008!