Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or the press, or the right of the people to peaceably assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Friday, October 6, 2006

Introduction to Legacy of the Swan and Chapter 1

I've decided that I'm going to begin posting chapters of Legacy of the Swan despite a relative lack of (serious) feedback.

Just as a warning, to understand what's going on, you need some basic understanding of the plotline for Swan Lake. If you don't know squat about Swan Lake, click here for information.

And now, without further ado, Legacy of the Swan; Chapter 1

***

"I swear a vow of everlasting love and faithfulness to you, my beloved Odette."

Siegfried's words still echoed in his mind as he held his dying love in his arms. How could he have been so blind? How could he have let himself be fooled by Rothbart's treachery?

"I swear a vow of everlasting love and faithfulness..."

He could feel Odette's life slipping away, knew that it was his fault, knew that there was nothing he could do to save her. And yet he begged her to stay with him, begged her for her forgiveness.

"...a vow of everlasting love and faithfulness..."

Tears streamed from his eyes as he pleaded with her not to leave him. Too late. Odette took one final breath and slowly fell away from his embrace.

"...everlasting love and faithfulness..."

Gently, he laid her on the soft grass, his tears glistening in the moonlight. He knelt next to her body, weeping openly, until he had no more tears left to cry.

"...everlasting love..."

A burning rage slowly filled him. He rose to his feet and, drawing his sword, marched towards the ruined tower where Rothbart awaited him.

"...my beloved Odette."

The two combatants met in the tower doorway. No words were exchanged as their eyes locked. For a moment, they stared each other down silently.

"...Odette..."

Siegfried's cry of rage split the night as he charged the sorcerer. Their swords met in a blinding shower of sparks, Siegfried savagely driving Rothbart back into the tower. The wizard effortlessly blocked Siegfried's attacks, yet continued to allow the prince to drive him further back into the ruin.

"...a vow of everlasting love..."

Siegfried's attacks grew more and more desperate as he vainly attempted to breach Rothbart's defenses. Rothbart smiled wickedly as they fought, taunting the grief-stricken Siegfried.

"...love and faithfulness..."

At that moment, the sorcerer made his move. In one quick motion, he knocked aside Siegfried's sword, reversed his stance, and drove his sword through the prince's chest.

"...love..."

White-hot pain raced through Siegfried's body as he felt his strength leave him.

"...faithfulness..."

Siegfried fell weakly to his knees as Rothbart's foul laughter filled the tower.

"...beloved..."

Another wave of indescribable pain lanced through him as Rothbart pulled the sword from his chest.

"...Odette..."

Rothbart drew the blade back in preparation for the final blow...

"...Odette..."

... and Siegfried knew he was about to die.

"...Odette..."

But he did not fear his death...

"...Odette..."

...he welcomed it, for without his love...

"...Odette..."

...his life had no purpose.

"...Odette..."

He whispered her name one last time...

"...Odette."

...as he felt Rothbart's blade bite into his neck, and knew the end had...

"Siegfried? You awake?" Siegfried blinked, the vision of Rothbart vanishing before him. Instead of a ruined tower, he found himself sitting at a table in a coffee shop, his partner, Ben Palmer, slouched in the chair across from him.

***
Well, what do you think? Like it? Hate it? Think it's exciting? Confusing? Please let me know!
Just as a note, I would like serious constructive criticism. Baseless trashing and pointless remarks are not appreciated.
One more thing: If anyone has a better idea for a title, lay it on me. I'm open to suggestions, both for the title and for future chapters.

7 comments:

nerdjedi said...

Wait...

They didn't have coffee shops way back when, did they?

Other than that, cool.

except for the names. They sound funny

But other than that, cool.

Though a little cheesy sounding, with a that "eternal love" junk and all.

But

other than that

very good.

I like the writing style.

And the descriptions

They are cool

But:

How do you know how it feels to be run through by a sword?







oh, wait...

nevermind. (sorry about that.)










grammar is overrated.

Jedi_Raptor07 said...

Nothing I can do about the names; they're from the original story, and some things have to be kept sacred, you know?

The coffee shop thing gets explained in Chapter 2.

Thanks to all for reading + commenting.

Jen said...

Well, it's quite a casual thing to say "Too late." as one sentence in a time like this. It reminds me of something sarcastic that Sam would say.

Also, it gets too repetitive with the words repeating so often. I understand it's for effect, but I think there are a few too many.

I guess this part would ruin the entire plotline, but it's a classic "escape route" to tell a story of something tragic and make it all a dream. It's expected that it's either serious and the guy dies, or it's a dream.

Jen said...

Oops. Fogot to comment something good. ^^;;

I liked the writing style before the part where he woke up.

Jen said...

Oh! And one more thing: a cliffhanger at the end of the chapter would be good. Maybe if you ended it right with the guy asking if he's awake, then continue the coffee shop part in chapter two. It would make people want to read chapter two to see who's talking to him and what's going on.

Sam said...

most of my dreams are rather unfocused and bizarre, but this one seemed incredibly life-like.

but other than that, very good.

Jeff said...

After not reading it, very nice.